Top 5 Things That Will Make Me Smack You at GABF

The Great American Beer Festival is once again upon us and if you’re heading to Denver this week to join in the revelry (as I am) and you don’t want me to beat you up on sight, these are the behaviors from which you should refrain:new gabf

5. Applauding when a glass is dropped. Seriously, how old are you?

4. Wearing a Utili-kilt: If you’re actually Scottish, you get a pass, but if I see you, I will make you confirm it with A. a believable accent and B. by making disparaging comments about the English in said accent.

3. Spending two hours in line waiting for Pliny the Elder/Younger when you could be sampling at least 10 other beers of equal quality (though with less hype): No disrespect to Russian River; Pliny’s an incredibly good beer. But is it worth spending half the session waiting for it?

2. Roaring in unison: This is like “The Wave,” only verbal. The only reason you’re doing it is because everyone else is. That doesn’t change the fact that it serves absolutely no purpose.

1. Pretzel Necklaces: There’s cheap enough food for sale on the floor, not to mention an entire cheese pavilion that’s included in your price of admission. If you don’t want to spend $5 or $6 for a hearty snack, are lactose intolerant or just don’t like cheese, eat before you get to the convention center or buy a frickin’ $2 hot dog on the street. But if you desperately need your pretzel fix, Snyder’s of Hanover is usually handing out thousands of bags in the hall—for free! And you look far less ridiculous hoarding small packages of pretzels than you wearing them like you’re in some bizarro Bavarian Hawaii.

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